


i'm sorry the blood wasn't mine (i'm sorry that sometimes i wanted you to die)

by makemelovely



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, POV Peter Pettigrew, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 00:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12759669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: Peter Pettigrew and snapshots of his life.//everything lay around him, and all he could think of was the ash in his mouth and the blood on his hands.





	i'm sorry the blood wasn't mine (i'm sorry that sometimes i wanted you to die)

James laughed, loud and uninhibited. His teeth were white and so very shiny. His hair was messy and so very carefully planned.

Sirius grinned, messy and crooked. His eyes glinted with something familiar and they sparkled with happiness.

Remus watched, careful and considerate. His honey colored eyes flickered warmly, his arm slung over your shoulder felt like love.

In a few short years, James would be dead. After that it would be Sirius. And then Remus. You'd die twice, though. Once in between James and Sirius. And once in between Sirius and Remus.

It's a tragedy. Them or you?

Sometimes it's them and sometimes it's you. Always it's an unsure guess.

*

He looks so much like James that your heart almost stops beating. His eyes, though.

They are Lily's.

*

"Of course we love you, Wormtail." Sirius tells you, hand sliding through your hair in a joking attempt to mess it up.

"Was there ever any doubt?" James grins at you, arm heavy around your shoulder.

Yes, you think.

You suspect Remus knows the truth. His eyes watch you with a familiar look in them. It says Yes I understand because I feel it too.

*

It gets a little harder to breath seeing James and Lily together. It feels like he forgot all about your little ragtag group of misfits. Except you never really were because you are all popular. James is the Quidditch captain and he's the most popular boy in the school. He's got the girl, the friends, the family. The love and adoration that you never really get.

Sirius has the people, flocking around him as if he's the hottest thing in print. Everybody tells him he's beautiful and smart and athletic. His family hates him but he's got a support system that reaches past his two best friends. Peter isn't sure he's a part of their group anymore.

Remus has his studies. He's casual and kind, everybody thinks he's like honey. They love him and his intelligence, his personality. He's quiet, sure. But it's charming, they all say.

But you never quite evolve. Nobody talks much about you, nobody really acknowledges you. It stings, you'll be the first to admit. Doesn't quite matter in the grand scheme of things.

Whatever. It's not like it matters.

Except it does.

*

Marlene McKinnon leans closer, blonde hair curled around her shoulders and freckles dancing in the fire light. "You are so fucking creepy." She giggles, breath hot against your ear. You wants to cry. "Like, really creepy. Kind of like a pervy little brother." Her teeth are so very white. Her lipstick is perfectly applied and you want to smudge it. But Lily tilts closer to her, hand wrapping warningly around Marlene's wrist. Her eyes are lined with thick black eyeliner and her red hair is messy. Her short skirt and light pink shirt make her look cute. Like a kitten. She pulls Marlene away without a glance back.

Your heart caves in on itself.

*

You don't regret it. Your skin is soaked with guilt and satisfaction. You can't stop shaking. Why can't you stop shaking? Blood coats your hand all the way to your elbow. You are so cold. You can't stop seeing Sirius, gray eyes burning with hatred and his fingers curled into fists. His hair soaked with rain. His face is old, wrinkled with years he hasn't lived. Years he won't ever live.

Because of you.

You smile and you can't stop.

*

Your life falls in snapshots. Moments of you, shining with joy. Moments of you, grim and gloomy. Moments of you, a murderer. Which is your favorite snapshot? Which is the photograph you keep on the dresser?

Which are you?

It's not that simple.

*

It never was that simple.


End file.
